The Reluctant Grandmother (Poopifer)
How much I did not want to be a grandmother I cannot over-estimate.
How much I did not want to be a grandmother I cannot over-estimate.
A mother of nine children is not, perhaps, as sentimental about some matters as others might be. When my first grandchild, Charlie, was born four years ago today, I was still trying to wrangle an eighth grader and two high-school kids, one of whom had given some evidence that he would complete his education in the penitentiary.
I thought along the lines of what Martin Amis has written, that becoming a grandparent is a passingly sweet and unerringly grim reminder of one’s quite-eventual mortality.
It is being turned from a sleek and eye-catching piece of sculpture into a sofa.
It is being moved from center stage to the wings – to the prop room.
You know what I’m going to say next.
The only thing that I don’t like about being a grandparent is that I am mortal, and someday I will have to leave them.
Charlie leaves me messages on the phone: “Granny Poopifer,” he says. “I’m coming over.”
That was just exactly the message I wanted.
I’m grateful as a fool that Charlie and his sister Grace live near where I do in Massachusetts. I wish they lived next door. I wish they lived in my room.
There are some things that I don’t feel, of which all my other sooner-grandparenting friends assured me that I would.
I don’t feel any wish at all, not even one in passing, not even the slightest, to question the parenting skills of their parents. I don’t know a better way. They’re doing a great job. Who says children need to wear shoes and socks in the winter? Where is that written? Who says they shouldn’t eat only blueberries, pizza, and macaroni-and-cheese? In some cultures, that diet is considered a delicacy.
I’m never grateful when they leave after a visit.
I’m never grateful that I’m not responsible for how they turn out. I still think I’m responsible for how their dad will turn out.
I don’t mind if they pull down the curtains and draw on the walls. I would draw on the walls with them. I would jump on the bed.
If you feel the way I once felt, be careful about what you do next. Resist the temptation to ask your grandchildren to call you “Nini” “Gingko” or some variation of your first name. No matter how successful your skincare regime is, people can look at your child and realize that you weren’t fourteen when you had him or her, unless you were fourteen when you had him or her, in which case, this is another discussion entirely.
Being a grandparent made my life a weekend. I had to surrender to it.
You might as well.
Happy Mother’s Day. - JM
HOT READING TIP
The Women by Kristin Hannah
Most historical novels and most war novels leave me cold. This one, about nurses in the Vietnam War, is terrific. Kristin Hannah is a master and she is here at the top of her game, and if I didn’t love her so much as a writer and a person, I would be madly jealous (I am, anyhow).
HOT WRITING TIP
Have a plan. The title of this book below could not be wiser. It’s a book that I’ve used for teaching, for many years. A plan for a story will not defeat your spontaneity and creativity. It will foster those powers and will also help you find your voice.
our brain wants to be your friend in the writing process. Allow it.
HOT RECIPE TIP
Summer Potato Salad
There is very little in life that potato salad cannot help.
INGREDIENTS
5 pounds red or Yukon potatoes, chopped (I don’t peel them, just scrub them. Nicer and more authentic-o)
3 cups mayonnaise
2 cups finely chopped pickles
5 large hard-cooked eggs, chopped
½ cup chopped red onion
½ cup chopped celery
3 tablespoons prepared mustard
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 teaspoon salt, or to taste
½ teaspoon ground black pepper
DIRECTIONS
Place potatoes into a large pot and cover with salted water; bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer until tender, about 10 minutes. Drain. Return potatoes to the empty pot to dry and cool.
Stir mayonnaise, pickles, hard-cooked eggs, red onion, celery, mustard, cider vinegar, salt, and pepper together in a large bowl. Fold in cooled potatoes until well combined.
Chill potato salad in the refrigerator or overnight before serving.
HOT LIFE TIP
No one can think of more excuses to avoid exercise than I can. After all, I’m a fiction writer, and all those excuses are fictional. The non-fiction fact remains, however, even a very little exercise can give a big boost to your mind, your sleep, and your writing. When I watch the people jog past my house at 5 a.m. in spring in the near-dawn light, in winter wearing their headlamps, I would want to run outside and slap them for their virtuousness – if I could run. I have terrible knee issues, and sometimes I do chair aerobics, which isn’t as silly or as easy as it sounds. Twenty minutes most days and I feel better in all the ways.
This woman, Caroline Jordan, indeed may be the most absurdly cheerful human breathing air right now, but she’s got something going on!
I’LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS
When you need a small boost, listen to these songs by the immortal old-time Canadian group, The Roches.
Mr. Sellack and Runs in the Family
Or … watch this video of Brandi Carlisle and her wife, Catherine Shepherd Carlisle, singing the old Indigo Girls song Closer to Fine, and feel sorry for everyone who opposes same-gender marriages. (These ladies are also very sharp dressers!)
JOIN ME FOR THE 2024 LITERARY LUNCHEON!
Tickets will sell FAST! Make sure to get yours TOMORROW at 9 a.m.: https://www.booksonthecape.com/literary-luncheons-at-the-wequassett-resort
Don’t forget - my latest novel, A Very Inconvenient Scandal is available everywhere good books are sold. Hopefully your eyes still work after the eclipse, and you can get your own copy today.
FINALLY, if you’d ever like to write to me, you can do so here.
The Roches are from New Jersey!